happy

I feel happy today for no reason and I aint got a clue why but heck I wanna feel this way most of the time if not all the time. I should be happy, I deserve to be happy and I will be happy. Maybe I'm learning to manage my emotions better.

Aint nothing gonna bring me down!! A levels ftw!!

hanging

Sometimes it's not easy to be happy. But I tried because I know life is a vicious cycle. The happier you are, the happier you will get. Sometimes pain helps me forget. So I fight it with the hope of a better future. Complaining is tempting sometimes. But I refrain since it make thigs a lot worse. Sometimes life is full of uncertainties. So I try to live each day like it's the last to console myself.

I make mistakes. Lots of it. The good thing is that I realize them afterwards. When you are down you never seem to go up. I'm at this stage of my life right now. Frustrated at how nothing is working out. I just need to start winning again. Then I'll know I'll be fine

in the middle

Well I kinda enjoyed my holiday that I legitimately paid for $14. Back to school tomorrow. Well I'll try to keep myself happy. Yeah. That's it. Don't think about the future just try to keep my spirits up for now and don't give a fuck about anything else. Coz happiness is my own responsibility and I gotta have it. I gotta have it.

But then nobody's in the mood to have fun in my school. Sure it's draggy and tiring with all the bullshit given but then again doesnt hurt to have a few laughs. I feel like two different person in school and outside school. Like the person outside is the real me and the person in school is merely a cocoon of myself.

Well I'm in purgatory anyway. I came in with one foot in and one foot out and now the other foot is in while the other is going out. I just gotta get through this.

caged

Finally mediacorp produce some quality local drama since like the good old days a decade ago. Red thread and fighting spiders looks extremely promising so far. Promising enough to keep me glued on my tv from 8 to 9 on tuesdays to thursdays I reckon. Hey that never happened for a damn long time!

Here I am slacking around knowing that I don't have to come to school tomorrow. Heh back in the old days I wouldnt miss school even if I was sick. But now I'm dreading every minute of it. No matter how much I try to think otherwise, I feel like a caged animal inside the school. like some furry hamster being forced to run on the windmill everyday.

All everyone care about is results nowadays. Not passion, not ambition, not joy, nothing. It's as if getting a B instead of an A makes one a lesser human being. This is the crazy fucked up environment I'm in where the As get all the glory and it's all about the resume and qualifications.

I was like that once but not anymore. I regreted being so. I thought attaining those qualifications will give me security in life. But tat aint true. One simple accident and you are gone no matter how much work you put into it. Life is volatile and unfair and there's no running away from that. My life is too short to give a fuck about getting top grades.

the resolution

This blog has not been updated for a long time and it's probably obsolete and forgotten right now. It doesn't matter since a blog is meant to be like a diary in the first place.

I'll just use this space to write down my thoughts so that months from now, I will be able to look back at the records and reflect on how much I have come since then.

It's been like 14 months since I enter jc. 14 months of sufferings and strife has brought me to a self realization of my identity. I would have to say that it had been an eventful 14 months that seems much longer than it should. It's been a long time but I know that there is no going back ever again.

Looking at these past 14 months in retrospect, I wonder if my struggles have come to naught or if they carry a meaning behind each of them. Basketball, girl issues, social issues, studies, friends, regrets and most importantly life itself.

There were highs and there were lows, victories and defeats, pain and joy, love and hate. I wonder if they will all converge into a single memory one day. I realize amidst all this how weak and inadequate I am in facing this morally blank world. Like a flea in the universe. The world is too big for me to handle.

What's A levels? it's just a piece of shit paper that people use to go to universities and throw away. I used to think that I know my priorities in life but in fact I do not. Fuck A levels, fuck the perseverance crap, fuck university degrees and fuck getting bloody 'good' jobs. I say nothing is more important than understanding life itself and right now I want nothing more to live rather than just be alive.

I suppose there's 7 months left to go. But the bigger issue is what's next? My circumstances are fortunate yet unfortunate at the same time. Since I'm free to roam and wander but never really had a home to call. Nonetheless, I'm finally alive again and at ease with myself at last and come what may, I'll ride it out just fine.

hey

R.I.P

This blog will be closed down temporarily. It will be revived in the coming future. So watch this space.....